Illinois Valley News

Always on the alert for methods to make my job easier, I revert this week to “Puns For Educated Minds.“ It consists of some funny stuff (mostly) sent to me by a fellow newspaperperson.

The reason I look for ways to smooth my tasks is that I“ve been typing stories and columns for 48 years. And boy, are my fingers tired. OK, the rest is more amusing:

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur“s Round Table was Sir Cumference. He ate too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but her husband loved her still.
4. A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it“ll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies alongside a road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown-a-part.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole was found in a fence at a nudist camp. The police are looking into it.
10. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
11. Two hats were on a hat rack. One hat said to the other: “You stay here; I“ll go on a head.“
12. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.
13. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center read: “Keep off the Grass.“
14. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at-large.
15. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
16. A backward poet writes inverse.
17. In a democracy it“s your vote that counts. In feudalism it“s your count that votes.
18. When cannibals used to eat missionaries, they got a taste of religion.
19. If you jump off a bridge in Paris, you“re in Seine.

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