From our weekly issue dated March 5, 2008

This was the week that I was going to explain how I single-handedly prevented the outbreak of World War III. Or I was going to explain my foolproof plan for colonizing Mars. However, a friend who knows I need a break, and who also is familiar with my fondness for words and the puns that can spring from them, has provided the following Humor For Lexophiles (Lovers of Words). WWIII and Mars will have to wait.

*I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

*Police were called to a day-care center where a 3-year-old was resisting a rest.

*Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

*The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.

*A butcher backed up into a meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

*To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

*When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

*The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

*A thief who stole a calendar got 12 months.

*A burglar fell and broke his leg in wet concrete. He became a hardened criminal.

*Those who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

*We’ll never run out of math teachers because they
always multiply.

*When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, UCLA.

*The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

*The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

*The dead batteries were given away free of charge.

*Those who take a laptop computer for a run could jog their memories.

*There was a disturbance in which a dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

*A bicycle can’t stand alone because it is two tired.

*A will is a dead giveaway.

*Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

*A backward poet writes inverse.

*In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.

*A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

*If you don’t pay your exorcist you can be repossessed.

*With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

*Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner.

*When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

*The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

*A grenade that fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

*You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

*Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

*He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

*A calendar’s days are numbered.

*A lot of money is tainted: ‘Tain’t yours, and ‘tain’t mine.

*A boiled egg is hard to beat.

*He had a photographic memory, but it never developed.

*A plateau is a high form of flattery.

*Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

*If you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

*If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

*When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.

*Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

*Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

*Acupuncture: a jab well done.