Established
in 1937
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Tales from the Police Blotter
(Editor’s note: “The Noose” did not receive its shipment of sheriff’s office logs this week. Therefore, the following false items are offered. Despite similarities to actual factual Blotters, there is no truth in the following.)
* * *Tuesday, Jan. 23
*Reported to have spent hours lapping pitchers of cheap beer at a valley pub, four dogs then whined to be let out. Obliged by a patron, they left without paying. The bartender was told to notify Animal Control.
*Caught nosing around a dumpster behind an establishment, a dog claimed that he was swatted with a rolled-up newspaper until he promised to pay some money he owed. He then became vague and uncooperative with the call-taker, and didn’t want to go into detail or press charges.
*Muttering about a bar tab, a large dog was aggressively panhandling in front of a Cave Junction store, managers and at least 19 customers reported between 12:30 and 7 p.m.
*Three small dogs were taking turns throwing themselves in front of cars on Redwood Hwy. in Downtown CJ, and then extorting money from horror-stricken drivers, said one grizzled witness with a wry, appreciative laugh.
*In front of the aforementioned store, a customer was mauled by a large, drunken dog, whereupon it was discovered that the “victim” had been attempting to pilfer three bone-in hams and a dry salami. Both were cited to appear and released on opposite sides of the parking lot, from which they glared at one another for more than an hour, witnesses said.
Wednesday, Jan. 24
*Staring fixedly at the amber flashing light at Redwood Hwy. and River Street, a man was shouting “Whoop! Whoop! Whoop!” and waving his arms, a concerned witness said. The caller thought this might confuse school children at the crossing, who were more accustomed to hearing the man screech wildly and twirl about. A grief counseling squad was dispatched.
*After a Takilma Road resident phoned the 911 Dispatch Center 23 times while attempting to program his speed dial, the call-taker sent herself a telephonic harassment packet and took a “mental health day.”
*When emergency personnel arrived at the supposed site of a “major pile-up” on Redwood Hwy. near Illinois Valley Airport, they found a flatbed truck with a load of flattened, wrecked cars.
*A woman in Kerby reported that a bicyclist was wearing tight shorts.
*In Kerby, a bicyclist complained that a woman in a car was following him and shouting, “Whoo-whoo!”
*There was a report of a man carrying at least 75 helium-filled balloons in Downtown Cave Junction. The caller was concerned that he didn’t have a business license.
Thursday, Jan. 25
*Several people said they saw what looked like a man carrying balloons being caught in a gust of wind. He last was seen over Eight Dollar Mountain.
*Transients lounging on the main street of Downtown CJ left a large amount of trash. Told to pick up the debris, they vanished in a cloud of cigarette smoke.
*While a man was being interviewed in a CJ store about possibly being a shoplifter, he protested vehemently until a frozen turkey fell out of his pants.
*In Selma an anonymous person phoned to advise that he had just seen Elvis in a speedboat at Lake Selmac.
Friday, Jan. 26
*A man in O’Brien phoned 911 to ask if anyone knew the location of his car keys, as he was late for work.
*Later, the 911 Center received a call from an O’Brien man, who said that he found his car keys, but now couldn’t locate his car.
*Passers-by in O’Brien reported seeing a well-dressed man running madly along the highway while shouting that he was late for work.
*Vandals broke into a $350 newspaper vending machine in CJ, rendering it useless, and removed the grand total of $2.
*Between Selma and Cave Junction, a man said, a box of large U-shaped tacks fell from his truck. He wanted to know if anyone found it.
Saturday, Jan. 27
*There were complaints from 28 motorists on the highway between Selma and CJ that their vehicles encountered some sort of tacks, causing numerous flat tires.
*When a man again phoned about losing a box of tacks, he was advised of a major flat tire problem. He immediately replied, “No habla Ingles,” and hung up.
*Someone complained about finding ants in his house after he bought cookies at a bake sale.
*Questioned as to why they were wearing shorts and T-shorts in 30-degree weather, several schoolchildren responded, “Because it’s cool!”
*Trespassers set up housekeeping during an open house for a new home, but left when advised that the real estate agent held a black belt in Karate.
Sunday, Jan 28
*At 2 a.m., Cave Junction Citizens Patrol members observed bar patrons calmly exiting various saloons, and driving away in a safe and orderly fashion. Said one CJCP volunteer, “It was the darnedest thing I’ve ever seen.”
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