Established
in 1937
|
Tales from the Police Blah Blah
(Editor’s Note: We were unable to obtain sheriff’s office logs to compile Police Blotter for this issue. Therefore, we offer the following Bogus Blotter for your dining and dancing entertainment. No one should attempt to find facts or truth in any of the following. Any similarities to events real or imagined are purely coincidental.)
* * *
Sunday, Dec. 17
*Outside a Cave Junction church, a hooded man in a white robe and carrying a scythe claimed to be looking for a certain someone.
*Several cases of empty 40-ounce fortified beer cans found at Illinois River “Forks” State Park indicated an encampment of some sort. A group of people nearby were sleeping.
*Road rage involving a man making a right turn and a tail-gating driver resulted in cussing and swearing in Selma. The man’s wife berated him for losing his temper. The other driver showed him her IQ.
*Several loose dogs on Holland Loop caused problems for a group of bicyclists, as the animals wanted to sample their sack lunches.
Monday, Dec. 18
*Numerous drivers of vehicles were stopped in and around CJ and found to lack insurance, driver licenses, and current license plates, but plenty of smoking and drinking material.
*Someone reported many school buses filled with students driving all over the valley. Asked why he wanted to report this, the complainant replied, “I think the kids should walk!”
*After eating a full meal in a CJ restaurant, a man offered to pay with Monopoly money or else make table drawings with salt. He was given a ride to a site for mental evaluation.
Tuesday, Dec. 19
*Theft of gasoline from trucks at a rental business was reported at 8 a.m. A siphon hose was found with indications that the thief had spilled some fuel.
*At 8:40 a.m. a Grants Pass hospital reported treating a man who had swallowed some gasoline. He said he was just fueling around.
*Loose horses were reported on Takilma Road. A certain amount of equine debris was located.
*Noisy, impertinent cats were complained about in a CJ neighborhood.
*There was a report of several rough-looking men drinking beer and acting crazy on the main street of Downtown CJ.
*Attempted burglary to an outhouse was logged.
Wednesday, Dec. 20
*Children playing “Police” dialed 911 four times from Selma, but there was no emergency. Not until their parents found out.
*When a man found his car damaged on an O’Brien parking lot, there a note under one windshield wiper. The note read, “I have just struck your car with my vehicle. A lot of people are watching me, and they think I’m leaving you my name and phone number. They’re wrong.”
*A man who sounded intoxicated phoned 911 excitedly to report that his steering wheel had been stolen. Then he discovered that he was in the back seat.
*No one was present after a report that at least 20 people were fighting on a CJ side street. However, a witness claimed that the whole group was taken up by a mysterious beam of light into some sort of space vehicle.
Thursday, Dec. 21
*Claims that the county commissioners are actually members of a subversive group were reported anonymously by a man, who said that if the truth doesn’t come out, he will contact the FBI, CIA and possibly ASPCA.
*Some motorists on Illinois River Road were cited on charges of driving like maniacs.
*A man dressed like Dracula was walking on the middle of Caves Hwy.
*A large number of bats were reported flying over Caves Hwy.
*People complained about weird reports in Police Blotter, but it was pointed out that the items were solely for entertainment and not real.
*There was a report that a woman had invented algebra in a Downtown CJ bar.
Sunday, Dec. 25
*Several complaints were received about eight tiny reindeer and a jolly old elf bothering people by “prancing and pawing” on rooftops.
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